Mastering the Bottle Blond… or Red.

Back in days of yore, when I had a full time job and my husband and I lived in the same city, I relished my 2-3 hour long salon cut and color experiences. Every 7 weeks I was in for a trim and a full color, sometimes with highlights. Cost? About $250 each visit. Not as bad as some places, I know, but a luxury nonetheless.

Not happening now. My last haircut was about 8 weeks ago, at the “Trade Secret” place in my local mall. $40 bucks for the cut, and Rachel did a pretty good job. I mean, my hair is long, and layered. It’s not a complicated cut, and I would do it myself if I weren’t positive that I would lose 7-8 inches in the process of evening the sides out.

Coloring, on the other hand, is right up my alley. I’ve always done my own, up until what’s known as “The Great Kool Aid Incident of 2005”. I didn’t dye with Kool Aid, but the end result was a color somewhere between Fruit Punch and Grape. That took 5 hours to undo. I still shudder.

I’ve been back on the horse for about 4 colors now, and everything’s fine. Here’s a few tips on how to successfully home color, without children’s beverage results:

1. Find the oldest, rattiest towel and T-shirt you have, and designate them your color clothes. Cut the T-shirt down the middle of the front and fasten with safety pin. There’s nothing worse than going to rinse and realizing that you can’t get your shirt over your head.
2. Clear the area around and underneath you. Color is drippy. It gets everywhere, and it stains. Move your bathmat, take your shoes off, and don’t bump into your shower curtain or decorative towels. And – use the gloves, unless you like purple hands.
3. Read the instructions. Yeah, I know you’re smart, but do it anyway. It’s your hair, you don’t want to fuck it up too bad.
4. Apply Vaseline to your hairline.This will prevent the dye from staining your skin.
5. If you have a lot of hair, use 2 bottles. If you try to go light on the solution, you will end up with uneven results, usually that the bottom layer of your hair does not get color.
6. Leave the product on your hair according to the instructions, then leave it on a little longer. My Loreal Excellence Red Penny box suggested 35 minutes. I left it on for an hour and 20 minutes. I go that long because my hair has been colored so many times, and due to the constant Florida sun, it’s a little dry. It turned out fine.
7. Don’t feel like you have to buy the most expensive, or fanciest home color kit. Most will pick up the highlights you already have, providing a multi-dimensional look. Excellence does, at $7.99 per kit, as opposed to Feria, at almost $20.
8. Condition, condition, condition, then trim. Most home kits are ammonia free, but coloring is still harsh. Color before a cut, and make the most of the conditioner included in the kit. (Tip: I’ve heard that the included conditioners are as strong as the hydrating treatments offered at salons.)
9. If you plan on hitting the tanning bed, or the beach, COVER YOUR HAIR. Your hair needs sunscreen just like your skin. If you’re coloring it, it’s going to be more porous and prone to damage. Cover it up, or it will start to fade and lighten.
10. If possible, enlist the help of a friend. You can take turns. It’s especially helpful if you have long hair, to ensure that you get even coverage in the back.

That’s it! Don’t be afraid! It’s nice and easy! (Rim shot…)

One thing you can do when you can’t play on the interwebs (and it will save you money!!)

As some of you may know, on Saturday, my computer died.  And yes, it was my fault.  When I took it in to get a diagnosis, the dude smirked  while telling me that there was coffee and sugar in my motherboard, and that it was not repairable.  I was devastated.  Of course this meant that I was going to get a new and possibly better computer, but that didn’t matter, I wanted my old one.  As I spent the next few days researching what to get, and where to purchase my new computer, I felt almost like I was trying to replace a pet that was irreplaceable.  Anyway, between my calls to various computer dealers, I had to fill the time that I normally spend on Jez and facebook with other activities.  This was not an easy task.  First of all, I am not employed.  I also live about 30 minutes from the closest town where there are coffee shops, stores, etc.  I also have to fight my mother for the use of her car.   In other words, I was stuck in the woods without access to the internet, and therefore most of my friends, for 5 days with not much to do.  Luckily for me, it was time for a haircut.  Even more luckily for me, I have taught myself how to cut my own hair.

I go to a salon to get a cut 3 or 4 times a year to get it shapped, but between those visits, I trim my own hair.   Obvioulsy, this saves me a bundle of cash, so I thought I would give you all who are interested a guide on how to trim your own hair.  Here goes:

First of all, I recommend that you get yourself a shaggy type of cut that is almost supposed to look imperfect in the first place.  If your hairstyle has sharp, defined lines, this may not be for you.  While you are getting your next cut, watch closely at what your stylist is doing, and ask him or her questions about what they are doing as it pertains to your cut.  Next go out and buy a pair of barber scissors.  Conair makes a pair that you can probably find ar your local drugstore for about 10 bucks.  When you feel that you are ready for a trim, (I usually trim mine every 3 weeks or so, as this way I never have to cut too much, and therefore it is easier to maintain the original shape of my style)  style your hair in the way that you normally wear it–also make sure that you cut it while it is dry, as unless you are a trained stylist, it is very difficult to tell how much you are taking off when hair is wet.  Then trim away, using whatever  techniques that you picked up from your stylist.  Go slow, only taking off a bit at a time.  I like to use the scissors vertically and cut, for lack of a better word, up into my hair– just snipping at it vertically makes for a easy, piecey style.  I never make a horizontal, straight or blunt cut–that is just asking for a good ol’ 3rd grade bowl cut.  As for the back of your hair–if you have hair that goes below your shoulders, then it should be pretty easy to see what you are doing just by bringing your hair over your shoulder and trimming that way.  Another option is to section off the top, sides, and bangs (if you have them) with a big clip, and then flip your head over, letting the back part of your hair come down over your face, and trim vertically into the hair that way.  The last option is to find a friend that you trust to help you with the back–this should be the kind of friend who you will not be mad at should he or she give you a faux hawk.

Anyway, this may sound scary, but it is so much easier than you might think.  The first time you do it, I do suggest that you make sure that you have the surplus cash to make an ER trip to your stylist, just in case.  DO NOT DRINK BEFORE OR WHILE YOU CUT YOUR HAIR (same goes for pot, etc).  And remember: hair always grows back.  If you can summon the courage to try this, you can save hundreds of dollars a year (depending on how much your stylist charges/how often you normally get a trim).   If any of you want to see my new cut, my current facebook profile picture was taken the day after I cut it–but please note that I am planning on growing out my hair, and that is why it may look a bit more uneven than usual.  Good luck to any of you who decide to try this–it truly is worth it, especially when you get a compliment on your new cut, and you can say “I did myself.”

Exfoliate like its your job, bishes.

One of the most popular body scrub recipes is the one for brown sugar body scrub. It is often described as yummy and soothing. Certainly, it is not caloric, so if you are on a diet, you can freely enjoy it without worrying about gaining weight 🙂

Brown sugar is full of molasses which makes it brown and moist. Its grains are smaller than of regular, white sugar which makes it a perfect exfoliant. It is not too harsh on the skin, it is gentle and easily sloughs off dead skin cells. It smells great, warms the skin up, and leaves it smooth and luscious.
Ingredients

2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons ground oats
2 tablespoons aloe vera gel
1 tablespoon honey
1 teaspoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
1 teaspoon almond oil (in case you don’t have almond oil, use olive oil, it is a great substitute).

Preparation

• Before you start preparing this scrub, grind the oatmeal using a coffee grinder or food processor. It has to be of sandy consistency, flaky and light otherwise it will scratch the skin.
• Mix all the ingredients in a large bowl. Mix until it resembles a paste
• It should be applied on moist skin, the best time is after you took a shower. It will help the skin cells slough off faster.
• Use circular motion and massage gently using your fingertips.
• Rinse off with warm water.

What do these ingredients do?

Oatmeal is hypoallergenic. In case you have sensitive skin, using the oatmeal is highly recommended because it is soothing and there is no risk that it will irritate the skin. Oatmeal is beneficial to oily skin as it is extremely absorptive and picks up on excess oil. It helps dry and itchy skin and is widely used in cosmetics.

Aloe vera gel is gentle on skin, it speeds its healing and reduces the possible irritation and pain.

The lemon is a great natural disinfectant. It opens up the clogged pores and cleanses them thoroughly so your skin can “breathe” better.

Tips:

• Y’all, do this in the shower.  Like inside of it.  It will ruin your bathmat.  Not that I’d know from personal experience.  I heard.  From a friend.
• Wash it off.  Then select your favorite moisturizer, slather it on, tuck into some comfy PJ’s, a glass of wine, and watch some trash teevee.

Y’all! This is the kind of geeky stuff I always want to try…

and straight up do NOT have the dexterity for!

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Vase-out-of-a-Plastic-Bottle

Someone, anyone!  Try this and tell me how it works out.

UPDATE: BGZ has obilged me!

Do you HAVE to wax your kitty?

Personally, I go back and forth on this question all the time. I do NOT like spending money on this personal grooming every month. I get a full Brazilian, which is $80 plus tip. The pain doesn’t bother me, and I have zero embarassment about having yet another person mucking about in my nether regions (for they have brought me and many others quite a bit of happiness). But that nearly $100 every month causes me a bit of mental anguish these days. So why DO I keep waxing? I’ve done pretty much everything else – I’ve shaved, I’ve waxed at home, I’ve used Nair, and I’ve tried to rock the kitty-fro.

When I was in college in the early 90s I remember going to the professional waxer for the first time and trying to get her to take it ALL OFF. She had never heard of Brazilians, and at the time I had not heard that name for it, I just knew I wanted it all gone and that my own efforts to that point had been less than effective and slightly dangerous. I left a little patchier than I expected, since it was her first time, but I learned a valuable lesson – if you want it all off, you better go to someone who knows what the heck they are doing.

After 14 years of dealing with various delicate depilatory methods I have some serious thoughts on the subject. Given that we are all trying to save some pennies here and there, it’s time to ask the question – are you over-maintaining your kitty? Could you be paying less money to groom and not notice a difference? If I get a little extra time I might actually try to turn this into a flowchart – but in the meantime, I will break it down like this.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do I still want SOME hair left?
• Would I rather spend time than money?

If you answered yes to both of those questions, you are an ideal candidate for at-home grooming. Continue. Otherwise, skip this next section and read further down.

Do you have a decent pain tolerance?

If you can take a little self-administered pain, I highly recommend the Sally Hansen wax strips. I used to use these when I just wanted to take some off the top and sides. The wax is already on them, you warm them between your hands, apply and rip. Not messy, not complicated. The strips come in different sizes and you can also trim them down if you want smaller ones etc. This is perfect for the ‘bikini line’ and the top of the muff. Here is how to make it a little easier:

• Take Advil or similar anti-inflammatory before you begin
• Have your scissors handy for trimming the wax strips if needed
• Have an empty plastic grocery bag right there for disposing of the used strips
• Tie your hair back so you aren’t tempted to put it into a ponytail AFTER you have wax on your hands
• Have a mirror nearby
• If you are going to wax the bushy part, and if it is a bit overgrown, trim it down first. Leave it long enough to wax (a quarter to a half an inch, the box will tell you how long it needs to be) but you HAVE to trim it or else it gets all caught up in itself and turns the waxing into a nightmare.
• Following the instructions on the box to wax. Was in SMALL sections first. Apply a strip, set it, rip it off. Press down on your skin right after, it will stop the rush of pain
• Do not overwax any particular spot. If you have one or two stray hairs left in your path of destruction, tweeze them, do not re-wax
• Do not try to wax any parts of your kitty that are prone to moisture. This kind of wax will NOT work like that and will only frustrate you.

Can’t deal with the pain? Try this.

If you are not prone to razor burn, there is no reason to shy away from using the razor to keep the bikini-into-leg area clean. You can razor around the bikini line and use clippers (Remington Beard trimmer) to keep your bush tidy and neat and under control. If you want to venture further with the razor, here are some tips.

• One of the Jezebels avoids irritating her kitty by shaving in the direction of hair growth instead of against. This avoids having the hair pull at the skin as you cut it. That pulling can lead to razor burn or nicks.
• Make sure your razor blade is new. A dull blade will have a harder time and is less likely to get a nice clean shave. At best, a dull blade could get you more stubbly – at worse, you would have cuts and razor burn
• There are tons of new shave potions for really shaving in the kitty area. Soothing etc. You want something that will not obscure what you are doing.
• The OPTIMUM position for shaving parts of yourself that you can’t normally see is one in which your kitty is angled toward a mirror and you can look in the mirror. If you have a large bathroom counter and you can perch on it, great. If you can mount a mirror in your shower, awesome. I knew a girl who would just prop herself up on the bathroom sink with baby powder and go at it.
• Noxema makes teeny tiny new bikiny shavers. They are AWESOME. If you are trying to shave parts of yourself that have folds and delicate bits, thes little suckers are cute and useful. They are also handy if you want to do some shaping of the bikini area.

Going back to my question above – if you DO have plenty of time and you still want all the hair gone, you can use the method above with the mirror and little razors (and a good shave gel or powder) and still get great results. The upkeep is a pain because honestly, that kind of stubble is NOT fun. If you are super brave you really can get salon quality wax and do the whole thing at home. But if you want to wax your own moist bits, you really will have to use the special wax. If you go slow, are careful with the temperature, and use a mirror it IS possible but I would not recommend it.

I don’t think I’ve said anything revolutionary here, but I do want everyone thinking about their grooming; if you resent the waxer every month, it might be worth trying something else, even asking yourself if you can live with a more natural look to the kitty. I know my answer – I hate hair. And I am not patient. So every month I’ll still go in, get my glass of wine, have all my hair ripped out, and then get rubbed down with oil. It’s a pleasant and somewhat soothing ritual for me and for now, I can still afford it. But maybe I will book my appointment for every 6 weeks instead of every 4 weeks – because every little bit helps.

Have a spa day in your kitchen! Mimosa’s highly reccomended!

Honey Face Mask:
Soak a washcloth in warm water, and apply to face to open pores. Smooth honey all over face, avioding the eye area. Leave on 15-25 minutes. Rinse with warm water, then splash face with cold water to close pores.

Hair Build-Up Remover:
Mix 1/4 cip vinegar with 1 cup warm water. Wet hair and condition. Then use this mixture as a final rinse.

Moisturizing Avacado Facial:
Mash one avacado untill creamy in texture. Spread over face, eye area, and neak. Leave on for 15 minutes. Rinse with warm water.

Egg and Olive Oil Hair Treatment:
Beat 2 eggs with 4 tablespoons of olive oil. Comb through slightly damp hair. Wrap hair in plastic–Saran Wrap, or a plastic grocery bag. Use a dry hot towel if you are afraid of plastic. Leave on for 10-15 minutes. Rinse well.

I have tried all of these, and they all work like a dream. More to come next week!